


I wanna hold hands with you (but that's all I wanna do right now)

by straytiny_n_ctzen



Series: The Kids Will Be Alright, Eventually [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ace-spec, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Aro-spec, Aromantic, Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, Attempt at Humor, Bisexual Character, Coming Out, Confessions, Feelings, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Fluff, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid, Genderfluid Character, Kinda, Lee Jeno & Na Jaemin Are Best Friends, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Misgendering, Na Jaemin-centric, Nct dream ensemble - Freeform, Other, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Talking, This was purely therapeutic, Unrequited Love, love advice from your local aro, sorta - Freeform, unintentional misgendering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-19 22:01:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18979204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/straytiny_n_ctzen/pseuds/straytiny_n_ctzen
Summary: There’s lots of things to discover about everything. Jaemin calls themself lucky for having Jeno by their side through it all.





	I wanna hold hands with you (but that's all I wanna do right now)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a purely self indulgent fic. It started out as a way to deal with my dysphoria and turned into a fic about self-discovery about my probable aromanticism. Sometimes it be like that.
> 
> This is also not proofread, so if you see any mistakes or errors please tell me!
> 
> Title is from Troye Sivan's [Talk Me Down](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo3lxS-6joY). The song doesn't have much to do with the fic tho

Jaemin really wanted to punch something. Anything.

They had woken up alright, feeling more feminine than they had in months, and it felt _good_.

So they dressed accordingly, finally pulling one of their dresses out of the closet again, applied some makeup, and nothing could stop them that day.

Or so they thought.

Jaemin knew they had made a mistake the moment they stepped out of the house to meet up with their friends.

The feeling crashed into them like a bucket of ice water.

Everything became too much and not enough. Unnatural and too real. Their chest felt too big and heavy but at the same time too small and suffocating.

It was not them, but at the same time it was.

Jaemin really wanted to punch something.

Why now? Why today?

Today was supposed to be a good day, damn it. Their small group of friends were supposed to help Chenle and Jisung talk out whatever was wrong between them so all could go back to normal. But of course. Of course Jaemin couldn't have _only_ nice things.

And there was not enough time to go back and get changed. They didn't want to keep the others waiting, even though Jaemin knew their friends would understand.

At least they didn’t have school that day.

So they put in their earphones, turned up their music as loud as possible, took a deep breath, tightened their jacket around them, and set off to the meeting spot.

 

This was hell. This was literal hell.

Jaemin had the feeling everyone looked at them as they stomped through the streets.

They would see an angry little girl weaving through the crowds, an expression of murder on her face and it deepened with every incidental touch.

But that was not what they were.

They knew they looked feminine - especially that day - but they weren't. They were anything but feminine.

Jaemin bit their lip to keep themself from crying.

Their nails dug into their arms, creating angry marks as they raked across the skin. Maybe if they did it often enough they would be free from this-

Someone touched their shoulder and Jaemin recoiled immediately, as if they had been burned.

Before them stood Donghyuck and Jisung. Donghyuck with their hands up in a sign of surrender and Jisung hovered behind him with a worried look on his face.

"Sorry," Jaemin spit out as they pulled out their earphones, "sorry," they repeated, quieter this time.

"Guy day today?" Jisung asked softly.

Jaemin frowned and muttered, "I don't know."

"Are you good to go? Or do you wanna go home?"

"Let's just go."

To be honest, Jaemin did want to go home, but that would mean they had endured the walk there for nothing. Besides, they wanted to see Jeno. Jeno always made them feel a little better.

They trailed behind the other two as they made their way to the park where Chenle, Renjun, and Jeno would be.

Renjun waved the trio over as they approached, greeted them, and pulled Donghyuck apart almost immediately. He probably wanted to be caught up on the ins and outs of Donghyuck's love life. He yelled something at Chenle only they could understand and then they were gone.

Jeno came up after that and gave Jaemin one of his infamous eye smiles after greeting Jisung. But then his face became stricken with worry.

"Dysphoria?"

Jaemin nodded. "Yeah. Can I change at your place?"

"Of course."

Jeno announced their departure to the rest and Jaemin had to bite their lip not to explode. It was an honest mistake, Jaemin knew that, but it was still painful to hear the wrong pronoun. At least it wasn't the female one.

"It's 'they'," Jaemin mumbled a little while later as they were walking.

"Oh, right. Sorry."

"'S fine."

They walked on in silence. Jaemin reached out to hold Jeno's hand to ground themself.

The worst of the feelings have passed by now but there was still this sense of discomfort looming over them. There was still this glaring awareness of their chest. There was still this ever present knowledge that they would never look the way they felt.

Jaemin sighed. This was shit.

"Hey," Jeno squeezed their hand, "we're almost there."

They squeezed back. They would be nothing without Jeno.

 

Jaemin and Jeno had been friends for as long as Jaemin could remember. From day one on they have been inseparable. And even now that they were both going to different schools their friendship was still as strong as ever.

It came as no surprise that Jeno was the first person Jaemin came out to, and vice versa. (Jeno identified as bi.) Their other friends were quick to receive the news as well, but only after two two had discussed it amongst themselves.

Jaemin was only out to their friends and online. Their own and their friends' families didn't know anything about their gender identity but by now it had become usual enough that Jaemin changed outfits during the day that no one questioned it anymore. And for that they were glad. Though the misgendering didn't sting any less.

"Jen, Mina! What are you doing back so early? I thought you went out with your friends," Jeno's mom greeted them.

Jaemin nearly crushed Jeno's hand with the force of their grip but Jeno acted as if nothing was wrong.

"Yeah, we are, mom. Nana just wanted to wear something more comfortable. It's hard to run around in a dress."

Misses Lee nodded in understanding and left them to do their thing.

The two went up to Jeno's room and Jaemin picked out some clothes to change into.

Jeno raised his eyebrow at Jaemin's choice but didn't say anything.

"What? You know this is my favourite sweater," Jaemin huffed.

"Yeah, I know. But it's not clean. I've worn it already."

"Your point?" Jaemin grinned. "Anyway, be right back."

They slipped into the bathroom and came back a few minutes later, this time dressed in jeans and a dark teal sweater that smelled like Jeno. They threw the dress somewhere in the corner of the room. That would come later.

"Feeling better?"

Jaemin nodded, their short hair bouncing. "Much. Wanna go back?"

"Sure," Jeno smiled again.

The two shouted their greetings at Jeno's mom as they left the house, leisurely making their way back to the playground where the others were.

"Man, I hope Le and Sung talked things out. I don't think I can handle a sad Jisung any longer." Jaemin pouted. "Besides, they are so cute together and it's weird to not hang out as one group."

Jeno hummed. "I think they did. They just needed that little push in the right direction, which we so kindly gave."

Jaemin snorted. “Chenle looked horrified when we arrived.”

“You noticed?”

“How can I not? He wears his heart on his sleeve.”

Jeno made a face like ‘fair enough’.

 

Soon enough they arrived back at the playground and found their friends spread out in the grass. Donghyuck was leaning against Renjun, and next to them sat Chenle and Jisung holding hands as the four were talking.

Jaemin gasped and smacked Jeno’s arm as they beamed. “They talked it out!” They ran at the group before Jeno could react and immediately started pulling at Jisung’s cheeks when they were close enough.

“You two talked it out!”

Jisung weakly slapped at Jaemin’s hands. “Stop it,” he mumbled. “But yeah, we did.”

“We’re officially boyfriends now,” Chenle chimed in, eyes sparkling.

Jisung blushed slightly and Jaemin moved on to squish Chenle’s cheeks instead.

“I’m happy for you two. And it was about time.”

“That’s what we said, too,” Renjun added.

Jeno came up behind Jaemin and pulled them down next to him. “Congratulations, guys.”

“Thank you,” Chenle said as he rubbed his sore cheeks.

"Hey, y'all, next week is the Eurovision Song Contest, right?" Donghyuck perked up.

"We all know what that means," Jaemin added, a mischievous glint in their eyes.

The teenagers looked at each other.

"Sleepover!" Renjun and Chenle shouted in almost-unison, followed by the younger's cackling laugh.

 

Next week came quickly and with it the growing excitement over the annual song contest. The kids may not live in Europe or Australia but that didn't mean they couldn't enjoy the show. Three for them very early mornings filled with music, extravagant performances and top quality memes spoke to the hearts of these queer teenagers.

They made the necessary plans and when the day of the final came they all gathered in Jaemin's room, mattresses and pillows and blankets strewn all across. The boys came over the night before so they could all wake up in time for the show and not risk being kidnapped at night. And since the final took place on a Saturday it was the only day they could all watch together, with school being in the way and all. There was an abundance of snacks and drinks and the main lights were off. The kids huddled together and the feast could begin.

Jaemin was completely immersed in the show and didn’t even notice that Jeno had moved closer. They blinked as they zoned back in and was suddenly fully aware of Jeno’s arm around their shoulders and their head on his collarbone - luckily covered in a shirt.

Their breath hitched and they could feel their face heat up, but they made sure Jeno’s arm stayed where it was even as he tried to pull it away.

Jaemin snuggled closer and focused back on the show, missing the fondness in Jeno’s eyes and the knowing looks of the other boys.

 

“Hey, Jen?”

Jaemin twirled the cup of iced coffee between his hands, eyes focused on the sloshing liquid.

“Hm?” Jeno didn’t look up from his notes on the table.

“How do you know if you like someone romantically?” They kept his eyes on the coffee.

Jeno frowned and looked at Jaemin. “Why are you asking?”

“You’ve been in relationships, and you…” he took a moment to think, “I’m unsure of what I’m feeling so I thought maybe you could… shed some light on it?” He fiddled with the straw in his cup, heart beating out of his chest.

Ever since the Eurovision sleepover a few weeks back, Jaemin's been extremely attuned to his newly found feelings towards his best friend. Except he didn't know what those feelings were exactly, and the many searches on internet had not turned out as fruitful as he had hoped.

“Well…” Jeno leaned back in his chair and pushed his glasses up. “Just to clarify, the relationships I had were nothing serious - you should know that - and I don’t think my feelings went any deeper than infatuation, but- But,” he repeated more sternly when Jaemin slumped in on himself, “there’s been someone lately. Who I’m fairly sure I like romantically.”

Jaemin glanced up, noticing the small smile on Jeno’s face, the happiness in his eyes, no doubt caused by the object of his affection. Something stirred in Jaemin’s stomach.

“I think the biggest thing is that when you’re in love, they make you happy. You know you can trust them and be yourself around them. They make you feel comfortable, even stripped down to your most vulnerable state. Sometimes you’re overcome with this feeling of just wanting to kiss them or hold them. You want to be there for them. Always. And maybe want to spend the rest of your life with them.” Jeno fiddled with his pen. “I would do anything to make them happy.”

“I see,” Jaemin mumbled. “Thanks. For answering. Uhm, I just remembered I promised mama I would prepare dinner, is it okay if I’m gonna go?”

Jeno looked at his best friend with a hint of worry and scepticism. He tried his best to hide it but Jaemin knew him well enough to read him. “Of course. I’m here for you, you know?”

“I know, Jen. Thanks.” He packed his things and took a sip of his coffee. “I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah. Bye, Jaem.”

Jaemin left the café with a wave to Jeno and a heavy feeling.

 

That heavy feeling did not leave.

Jeno's words kept playing through Jaemin's head on repeat. Every moment that their mind was not occupied the words came back.

Jaemin could relate to everything Jeno felt, except for the kissing. Did that mean Jaemin felt romantic attraction? Was kissing a fundamental part of romantic attraction? Or was it just one of the many ways by which the attraction could show? Why were kisses such a big deal anyway? Surely there were other ways to show affection.

They huffed and rolled onto their side in bed. Feelings sucked so much.

It was currently a little after 10 in the evening and Jaemin chewed on their lip, wondering.

 _Ah, to hell with it_ , Jaemin thought and dialled Renjun's number. They sat up in bed, legs drawn to their chest, as they waited for Renjun to pick up.

"Nana? Why are you calling so late?" Renjun sounded tired.

"Hey, Nini. Sorry, am I interrupting you?"

"Hm? No, I was just about to go to sleep but 's fine. D'you need so-" a yawn interrupted, "something?"

"I was hoping you could help me with something but it's quite complicated. So if you wanna go to sleep I get that."

"What do you need help with? Please don't say physics. I don't have the braincells for that at the moment."

Jaemin huffed out a laugh. "No, no, it's not school. It's actually, uhm… me? I uh... I have a hard time deciphering my feelings and I thought maybe you could help?" They took a breath to calm their nerves. "I have feelings for Jeno but I have no idea if these feelings are romantic or not, and I can't figure it out. I looked online for answers, hell, I even asked Jen what romantic feelings feel like but I can't come to a conclusion and it eats at me, Nini." She ran her hand through her hair. "How did you figure out you were aro?"

“Oh my god, Nana, you can't just ask people why they're aro," Renjun mocked in a high pitched voice, huffing out a laugh afterwards. He sounded much more awake now. "No, but seriously, that really sucks. Feelings suck. It actually took me a long time to figure out. And sometimes I still doubt myself but that will fade eventually. Compulsive heteronormativity and everything. How did I figure it out, hm…” It was quiet for a moment. "I… looked around on internet a lot. Finding explanations for the different labels. I thought a lot about what I want or not, and if that matched one of the explanations. For me it also helped that I'm quite neutral about the whole thing. I don't see myself in a romantic relationship when I'm older, but, like, I wouldn't mind if it did happen? Does that make sense? And to be honest, I am not necessary _aro_ aro but rather somewhere on the spectrum. But to me that distinction doesn't matter."

Jaemin nodded but then remembered that Renjun couldn't see her. "Yeah, yeah, that makes sense." She picked at her blanket. "So… basically you're telling me to fuck around the internet even more and be introspective?"

"Basically, yeah. But what's the thing that's got you confused most? You said 'feelings' but that's vague."

"Well… I think all my feelings are similar to what Jen said except… I don't feel the urge to kiss him? Like, he explicitly mentioned that but it's just… not there. I mean, sure I want to kiss his forehead and cheeks, but I also have that with you guys so." Jaemin switched her phone to the other ear and leaned her head on her knees. "Thanks for listening and helping me, by the way," she added quietly.

"Hey, it's no problem, Na. That's what friends are for, right?" There was some rustling on the other side. "It could be that you're neutral or averse to romantic kisses. That may happen, even though you do feel romantic attraction. Okay, so, imagine kissing Jeno. What do you feel?"

Jaemin spluttered and felt their face heat up. "Renjun!"

"What?" he snorted out. "Do you want me to help or not?"

Jaemin pouted at nothing but imagined it anyway. Jeno's lips against theirs. Them holding each other. It was a familiar yet foreign idea. "My stomach clenches in a bad way, but my heart swells in a good way."

"You sure that's not just nerves?"

Oh. "Yeah, that's…" Jaemin frowned. "How do I know though?"

"Try it. Kiss someone. Preferably Jeno."

"I can't just do that!" Jaemin whisper-yelled, and continued more calmly. "He's my best friend, that would be weird."

It was silent for a moment. "Just explain the situation to him. I'm sure he'll understand."

"But he said he likes someone…" Jaemin mumbled. "I can't do that to him..."

"Ohmygod," Renjun mumbled something else in Chinese that Jaemin couldn't understand. He sounded exasperated. "Just talk to him, okay? I'm a hundred percent sure it will turn out okay."

"That's a high percentage," Jaemin commented drily. "But I trust you. _However_ , I demand one month of snacks if you end up being wrong."

"Yeah, yeah." They could practically hear Renjun's eye roll. "Just go talk to him tomorrow or something. Do you need any more advice?"

"Nope. Thanks, Nini. Really. I appreciate it."

"It's no problem. Well then. Sleep well and don't worry too much, okay?"

"Yeah, thanks. I'll try. Goodnight, Injunnie," they said with a smile, heart full of love and appreciation for their friend.

"Night, Nana." And then the line went dead.

That evening Jaemin got the best sleep in weeks.

 

The next morning Jaemin kept replaying Renjun's words in their head. Mulling it all over, they decided they would talk to Jeno, if he had time.

They shot him a text asking if he wanted to hang and got ready for the day as they waited for a reply. Jaemin hated waiting. It didn't help that it was relatively early, so it could be that Jeno was still asleep.

Homework, then. Jaemin was easily distracted, looking at their phone every five minutes or so, but eventually they got an affirmative text back a little past noon.

They settled on taking a stroll through a nearby park in an hour and so the real wait began.

Knowing what was (hopefully) going to happen, they tried to rehearse what to say to Jeno, but nothing felt right. Everything Jaemin came up with lacked something. It also didn’t help that they had no idea what to expect.

Yes, Jeno was their best friend - has been for years - and Jaemin knew him inside and out, but this was new territory. Jaemin had very little experience with Jeno’s thoughts on the subject of romantic love, and often in these situations Jaemin could somewhat predict how Jeno would react. Not this time, though.

Caught up in their worries, Jaemin didn’t notice the time flying by and soon enough it was time for them to go.

They didn’t want to go.

Even so, they begrudgingly left the house. Their anxiety spiked and nerves ate away at their insides as they made their way to the park.

Deep breaths. This was for the best.

Jeno was already there when Jaemin arrived. He tried to look relaxed but his shoulders were tense.

“Hey.” He fell into step with Jaemin, following one of the many paths in the park.

“Hi,” Jaemin greeted back. Their heart hammered in their chest.

“So,” Jeno started carefully after a few minutes of silent walking. “What’s on your mind?”

Jaemin stumbled in surprise. “Wh- what do you mean?”

Jeno stopped and turned to shoot them a look. “‘ _Wanna hang_ ’? Seriously? You don’t text like that unless something is up. So spill.”

“Let’s sit down first.” Sure, it was a way to buy time. But it was also because Jaemin was certain they would collapse from nerves if they stood still for longer than thirty seconds.

Once they were both seated on a bench, Jaemin spoke. “Alright. You’re right. I do want to talk with you, and... it has to do with what I asked you a couple weeks ago. Remember? In the café?” Jeno nodded.

“I relate to everything you mentioned. The feelings, the happiness, comfort, yeah? But… I don’t… I don’t feel the urge to kiss the person. I’ve never felt the urge to kiss anyone really. Not in something else than a platonic way.” Jaemin was pulling at their sleeves, fidgeting with their fingers, anything to keep their hands busy. They weren’t looking at Jeno. “I talked to Injunnie about it. He said I should try kissing, maybe it would help clear things up, y’know? And I want to try it, I do, but I’m scared that it’ll only confuse me more. That I won’t like it. And I’m scared the person I like wouldn’t want it. It’s not like I can go up to them and ask. That’d be weird.”

“Well, for what it’s worth,” Jeno gently took Jaemin’s hand in his, “I agree with Renjun. You should just ask.”

Jaemin gulped and looked at their best friend. Their hands were sweaty. Hopefully Jeno didn’t mind.

“Jeno?”

It was now or never.

“I know you like someone but… is it okay if we kissed?”

If Jeno was surprised he didn’t show it. “Of course.”

He scooted closer, and Jaemin turned more towards him. He cupped their cheek and softly pressed their lips together.

Jaemin was expecting butterflies to explode in their tummy, expected warmth to spread through their body. They expected anything but not this… indifference. Jeno’s lips were chapped, they noted.

A second later Jeno pulled back. His eyes shone with emotion. “How was it?” he asked softly. He was still holding Jaemin’s hand.

“I… It was okay,” Jaemin admitted slowly, carefully. “I don’t think kissing is for me.” For some reason they felt guilty towards Jeno. “Sorry. But also thank you.”

“You know I’d do anything to make you happy.” Jaemin’s heart stopped.

Jeno stood up, pulling Jaemin up, too. “Let’s walk again?”

Jaemin nodded dumbly and let Jeno lead them.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Jaemin asked quietly when their internal panic had simmered down.

Jeno shrugged. “This is not about me. At least I got to kiss you once.” That made them feel worse. “But it’s okay, Nana. It doesn’t change anything. I’m happy enough to be part of your life, and I don’t care what part that is.”

“You don’t… you really don’t mind?” Jaemin looked up at Jeno, worry clear on their face.

“I really don’t mind, Nana. I know you’re still figuring things out for yourself, and that’s okay. I’ll be here for you. Always. Or until you don’t want me anymore.”

“Silly,” Jaemin headbutted his shoulder with no real force behind it. “I would never not want you next to me. You’re too important.”

The grin Jeno sent them could light up the whole world.

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell at me on my [tumblr](http://straytiny-n-ctzen.tumblr.com) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/straytinynctzen) and don't forget to leave kudos and/or comments!


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